Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
