onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
