i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
