I just pynch a tree in the face
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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