Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
