Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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