I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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