i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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