Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
