I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
