he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
