You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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