Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
