I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I love you.
Bad choice
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