If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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