Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
A bitchslap is in order.
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