1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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