i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
