Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
