I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
