i just had sex bonerless
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
