I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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