I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
