When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
