I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
