Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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