is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Drunk is not a location!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
