Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
