I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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