textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The beer is more important than you right now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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