I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
