i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
