Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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