smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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