I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
