My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
pop tarts are not kleenex
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
