K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
