I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The Olympian is in my bed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
