I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
