Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
