How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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