and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
