we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
