The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
