Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
