I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
