Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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