You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
