ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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