Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
