life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
